Warning! This particular word vomit took a darker turn than intended, but I will keep it. There are hints of suicidal thoughts from the past and how I overcame them. Please, if these ideas scare you or could harm you in any way, do not read. Though it was a subtle nod to the past, it is still there. Most of this word rant is positive, but I wanted to let you know that it is there.

Let’s see… where to begin? Do you know what ADHD is? Like really know what it is? Do you know the painful joy of just letting your mind wander around in strange patterns, bringing up images and thoughts that would never have accord to “normal” brains? Do you realize it is a constant trip inside? Sometimes you just want to sit back, grab a cup of joe, and just go along with the ride.

One such example is when I’m teaching. Now, allow me to explain. I’m not a classroom teacher. Nor would you classify me as a traditional teacher. What I teach is martial arts. I have been teaching my style of karate for over ten years. I would say I’m good at it. I can get the kids excited for exercise and keep discipline fair and equal across the board. HOWEVER, I would not say I’m the most organized teacher I’ve ever met in the practice. 

I’m all over the place, running around the room, talking fast, and overall cannot keep a coherent thought in my mind. I get the designated task done in the time frame, but the way to it is a journey. The entire time I’m explaining foot position, my mind is off in la la land thinking about grass, lawns, houses, food, or how trains work. There is always a logical pathway, but the problem is you don’t have time to look at the thought before another comes into its place. It’s like having a toddler having control over the remote to the TV. The second you think “oh its a crime show” the next thing you know you’re watching the Care Bears, then the news, then Lady Gaga, then movie trailers, and so on and so on. 

And God forbid you actually open your mouth while this train wreck in your head is happening! You have no control over what comes out. Just last week I was working with my kids on control and the next thing I know, I’m explaining why pineapples make your tongue tingle. I mean, they learned about the human anatomy, but what the human tongue and immune system have anything to do with kicking people in the groin, I have no idea. The best part was that it wasn’t even a smooth transition. It went from “kick, kick, kick, did you know….?” I confused the living hell out of my kids and myself in one fatal swoop.

And you know what…that’s okay. This is me and it’s okay. Sure, I could take something that would make me able to focus, but it would take away the very thing I like about myself. I love that I spontaneously decide to do something and I do it. I love that my mind wanders around until it finds a gem of an idea and holds it close to it’s center. Some of the gems are nothing more than annoying rocks, but those cracked and broken rock are mine. They are what make me unique. 

It is because of that wandering hobbit of a brain of mine that I can empathize with my students. I can say, “I get it, being shy is rough. Speaking loud is hard. I swear to you I get it. But together, we can discover that loud voice in you waiting to be let out.”

It was this mental funk that I went through hell and back as a kid. Shit was real for me as teachers ignored me, children I considered friends shunned me in school but loved me outside of classroom, and I struggled with work. It is because of this wandering head that every day was a fight and a struggle. I had and still have to fight myself. It is an everyday battle of wits to get me to sit in a chair and focus on a single task. Yet, I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Do I wish some things were different? Of course. Do I wish I had found someone to accept me for me before I was almost in my twenties? Do I wish I had a mentor that actively tried to help me with the worst of my symptoms instead of relying on my mother who struggled with her own physical limitations? Do I wish that I can look in a mirror and truthfully say, “yep, you are doing good!”? You bet your bottom dollar I do!

However, I respond to my sad wandering mind with a follow up question. “How can we change it?” 

When I was struggling with the demons my mind had created at a young age, I asked myself this question all the time. And every time, I sent my thoughts forth to discover the truth. Only to return with the voices of those who held me down or hurt me. They only fed the demons dancing on my heart. The pain became so intense for my ten year old self to handle, I held a weapon in my hand to end it all with a bang a few days from Christmas. I was ready to escape to a forever sleep.

Now, whether it was divine intervention or my overactive mind finding a new path, I will never truly know. I chose to think that a couple of my guardian angels band together to shove my lost thoughts onto the path that ultimately saved my life. 

What of the future? You cannot change the past, but you can change someone’s future. Your pain will become someone’s strength.

That random thought. That random channel the inner toddler flicked on the brain TV shocked me into dropping my means to a very different end. Because it had a point. A point that I still live by. My past cannot be changed. Your past cannot be changed. How you view your past can change. How you treat your past can change. And your past that is painful, horrible, and frightful WILL change someone’s future. 

I know that you meet people that will claim to have a magical pill or a perfect solution to everything. In fact, many will tell you that if you do X Y and Z, you will be okay. I’m not going to lie to you. It won’t. 

Their solutions will be for them, my sweets. It will be what works for a general public. Not for everyone. Sure, you can do the basics. Take a shower. Take a walk. Do breathing exercises. All these things are helpful, but it won’t be enough. What you need is that ONE thing for you. Just for you and no one else.

That one thing could be anything. Writing in a journal. Taking a shower. Drawing a picture. Coloring on the wall. Talking to a friend. Making a blog. Doing your nails. Making jokes. Telling jokes. Watching your favorite anime. Playing a video game. Cooking, cleaning, staring at the ceiling. Find one thing.

Do that one thing and allow it to expand. If you like taking a shower, do it! Then experiment with different types of body wash. Smell them. Feel them. Relish them. Don’t try to halt the process. If you want to buy more, then try going to Bath and Body Works and work there. Get the money and relish the thought of having a shower with a new soap. Allow that single thing to grow deep inside your mind. I promise you that it will grow. 

We humans want to grow. We want to expand. We want to nourish things we adore. It is in our genes. It is how we survive. It is how I survived. That one thought reminded me that I loved my younger sister more than I love anything in this world. Her future was and is my world. Seeing her grow became my reason to fight the demons. That one smile I loved to see grew into seeing other little ones like her smile. So I went to my dojo to help with children. That feeling grew into my passion for teaching karate to children, no matter who they were or where they came from. It grew and grew until I had started two different karate programs at two different churches that helped hundreds of children and their families with healthy eating and life choices. That piece of advice I received from a single thought lead me to ensure that my pain could help others. It made me come out of my shell and explore life. From that, my spontaneous part of my mind that loved to flitter from topic to topic developed. 

And I love it. I can look in a mirror and say “You know when you come up with really random ideas. I love it cause it always makes me and my friends laugh to no end.”

It might not be a fool proof solution. If fact, I know it’s not. There are times when it is a struggle to hold back the demons or tell them to kindly f*** off, but all I need is that one thing. That one reminder that matters to me. And I can do it. I can beat it.

Do you know ADHD? Have you experienced it and all the madness that accompanions it? Well, it’s a little bit like this post. It starts with one thought and divides head long into another completely different topic and ends abruptly.