Tag: thoughts

Stories of Childhoods long past~1

On By hopelessstargazzerIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So, I’m writing this book and need to do some warm up writing exercises. You know. To get the brain working. So instead of a word vomit, I’m trying something different. A story. Come along!

This is a tale of a boy. A boy in a rural town. Now, this particular story is not how the boy was abandoned by his mother at a young age or the rough childhood he had growing up. No, this tale it about a boy free from beatings and terrorizing cousins. This tale starts after he turned 13, but before he was a man.

This boy was out on his Step-Father’s farm with his trusty farm dog, Buck the Wonder Dog. This dog was infamous in the county for reasons that do not pertain to this particular tale. But few things he was famous for was the following: being a hunter, a chaser and a fighter. The dog, though small in stature, could jump a six foot fence no problem. He was Buck: The Wonder Dog! And he was mighty.

Image result for australian blue heeler

Now, back to the boy. He was out in the field with Buck, fixing a tractor when he heard barking. That in of itself was not unusual. It was the duration of the manic barking that concern the lad. So, he wanders over to the tree stump Buck was preoccupied with. The tiny blue heeler was jumping all around the ancient wood, looking for something. So the boy, naturally curious, looks into the hole that was there. He couldn’t see anything, but he knew that there was something there. After all, Buck wouldn’t stop barking.

So the boy did what he considered was the next logical step to asserning what was in the tree. He reached in the dark, damp, rotten hole with his bare hand. Much to his astonishment, something bit him! The boy was very upset that a mysterious critter had the audacity to bite his hand. He was going to teach it a lesson.

Image result for welding gloves

To the surprise and horror of the boy, whatever was hiding deep within the trunk of the tree did indeed bite him and bit so hard that it punctured the work gloves he had put on. The boy, with a shout loud enough to startled Buck, pulled his arm forth from the mouth of the wooden creature to reveal his advorsary and criminal of bites…. a woodchuck.

Image result for woodchuck images free

This critter was longer than his forearm and stronger than anything he had wrestled with before. The sharp teeth pierced the tender spot between thumb and forefinger deeply. He attempted to swing the beastie off his hand, but the rodent refused to let go. Whether it was due to the boy disturbing it’s home and wishing to punish him, or because Buck was excitedly jumping up and around with snapping jaws, the woodchuck would not let go.

The boy, frustrated and flustered, tried to get the dog to calm down long enough pry the jaws off his hand. Yet, Buck refused to be placated. He had other ideas. Using his tiny legs, he used his human companion as a springboard and only let up once the boy began to threaten to strike him.

Finally, the boy was able to swing his arm hard enough to dislodge the rodent from his hand. The massive woodchuck flew up into the air like a firework. Underneath it danced the one and only Buck. Shimming to the left. Then shuffling to the right. Only to return to the left just to get the perfect angle on the flying quarry. The boy stood to the side, mesmerized at the show before him.

Much too soon for the woodchuck and not soon enough for the dog, the rodent hit the highest point in it’s arc. Then time stood still for the boy. He watch in horrid fascination as the animal began its descent to earth just as Buck leapt up into the air. As the boy would later describe to his daughters in the future, the sound from the two animals colliding in the air was akin to screeching tires on the freeway. Then Buck dropped harder than a meteor strike as he reaffirmed that he was a born hunter.

From here, you can use your imagination. As long as it ends in one satisfied dog, a dead rodent, and a boy who learned a valuable lesson on the farm. Don’t stick your arm down random holes, no matter how much your dog barks at it. Nothing good will come from it.

if you made this far, allow me to tell you that this is a true story from my father’s childhood. it never fails to make me laugh when he tells it.

Word Vomit #3

On By hopelessstargazzerIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Been way too long. Really need to get back into this thing. Okay, so what’s on my mind today? Well, it’s July?

Gosh that’s horrible. Okay. Okay. Let’s try again. /deep breath in\ What’s on my mind? ….

Yep, nothing much. But isn’t that how it goes? You have this grandiose idea about how things should be and how they should land and you come up with nothing. The shoulds and woulds and coulds plague your mind in a thousand ways, more than even media could possible plague it. But there you are. Sitting on your bed, staring at the wall or ceiling or window and have thousands of images of what you should be, or would be, if XYZ didn’t happen.

And you know what? In the end, that means less than nothing. All those what ifs. All those I shoulds. All those I have toos. They all equal to nothing.

I guess that’s not quite right either. They don’t equal to nothing. What they can equal too is a great number of negatives. Low self-esteem. High anxiety. Massive amount of depression. Lack of confidence.

But, if you sit to think about that, even that equal to nothing. Hear me out. In order to have any of those problems, you have to have standards. Standards that you are not meeting. These standards, whatever they may be, are higher than what you believe that you can achieve. But! BUT! You have met them before. You have looked in a mirror and been proud of what you saw. The reason you don’t like what you see anymore is because it is no longer the same thing you saw before. You must have been thin, or smart, or witty, or plump, or talented, or….ect. ect.

Sit there and argue, but you know what I type is right. You might think, “but I’ve never been XYZ.” Ah! That is the standard I am speaking of. We could go thru them all, but I’m tired and want a nap, so let’s move this thought train on. Unless your doctor is concerned for you life and you refuse to help yourself/your body out by doing what is nessecary to move, you are not too fat. Unless you epically fail at breathing and walking at the same time and have to remind you eyes to blink, you are not stupid. Unless you have never crack a smile in your life, you are witty/funny. So on and so forth.

If you find yourself in the mirror downgrading yourself, face that demon. Look that demon in the eye and see what that demon sees. Then point out something different. Do you like your eyes? I think that human eyes are the prettiest things I have ever seen. They sparkle more than stars in the sky. They shine brighter than the sun. They have more diverse colors than all the shades on the earth. They express themselves better than words. I can promise you that your eyes are stunning. They are beautiful. They are worthy.

They are worth to see and be seen. They shine with a light that is so unique and special it takes a breath away. Do you like your eyes? Because I do.

Focus on that. Focus on the beauty that is your gaze. If you don’t like your eyes (my heart breaks, but I understand), then do you like your smile? Your laugh? Your hearing? Your feelings (this one is hard to do)? How about the sensation of touch? Taste? Sleep? Dreams? Friends? Family? Sunlight? Darkness? Cool air? Warm air? Blankets? Fans?

Find that one thing. One thing is all you need. And that one thing fills that void. It will fill what depression, anxiety, and fear take from you. Let it become your new standard of beauty. Of faith. Of hope.

Yep, and if that won’t do it for you, try a goal. It doesn’t have to be a goal of “saving all the dying kittens in the world!” Which sounds exhausting if I’m going to be perfectly honest. But it could be, smile at least once today. Take a shower. Touch something soft. Little things

The more little things you do and praise yourself for, the better. Did you replace the toilet roll right away? You did great! You pick up your clothes on the ground and put them in the washer? Fantastic! You went on a walk with your family dog? Be proud of that!

A thousand little things mean more than one great big thing. So you didn’t find the cure for cancer? Whatever, you took your medicine. You aren’t making over $50,000 a year like everyone else in your family? Can you afford a $2 burger every now and then? That’s good.

We made never change the entire world. But we can change OUR entire world by one little thing. A shower. A walk. A smile. A joke. That is all it take to change nothingness into somethingness.

And that something is worth thinking about. So, what’s on your mind today? Nothingness? Or did you find a little thing to fill the void for a moment in time?

Word Vomit #2

On By hopelessstargazzerIn TheresaLeave a comment

Warning! This particular word vomit took a darker turn than intended, but I will keep it. There are hints of suicidal thoughts from the past and how I overcame them. Please, if these ideas scare you or could harm you in any way, do not read. Though it was a subtle nod to the past, it is still there. Most of this word rant is positive, but I wanted to let you know that it is there.

Let’s see… where to begin? Do you know what ADHD is? Like really know what it is? Do you know the painful joy of just letting your mind wander around in strange patterns, bringing up images and thoughts that would never have accord to “normal” brains? Do you realize it is a constant trip inside? Sometimes you just want to sit back, grab a cup of joe, and just go along with the ride.

One such example is when I’m teaching. Now, allow me to explain. I’m not a classroom teacher. Nor would you classify me as a traditional teacher. What I teach is martial arts. I have been teaching my style of karate for over ten years. I would say I’m good at it. I can get the kids excited for exercise and keep discipline fair and equal across the board. HOWEVER, I would not say I’m the most organized teacher I’ve ever met in the practice. 

I’m all over the place, running around the room, talking fast, and overall cannot keep a coherent thought in my mind. I get the designated task done in the time frame, but the way to it is a journey. The entire time I’m explaining foot position, my mind is off in la la land thinking about grass, lawns, houses, food, or how trains work. There is always a logical pathway, but the problem is you don’t have time to look at the thought before another comes into its place. It’s like having a toddler having control over the remote to the TV. The second you think “oh its a crime show” the next thing you know you’re watching the Care Bears, then the news, then Lady Gaga, then movie trailers, and so on and so on. 

And God forbid you actually open your mouth while this train wreck in your head is happening! You have no control over what comes out. Just last week I was working with my kids on control and the next thing I know, I’m explaining why pineapples make your tongue tingle. I mean, they learned about the human anatomy, but what the human tongue and immune system have anything to do with kicking people in the groin, I have no idea. The best part was that it wasn’t even a smooth transition. It went from “kick, kick, kick, did you know….?” I confused the living hell out of my kids and myself in one fatal swoop.

And you know what…that’s okay. This is me and it’s okay. Sure, I could take something that would make me able to focus, but it would take away the very thing I like about myself. I love that I spontaneously decide to do something and I do it. I love that my mind wanders around until it finds a gem of an idea and holds it close to it’s center. Some of the gems are nothing more than annoying rocks, but those cracked and broken rock are mine. They are what make me unique. 

It is because of that wandering hobbit of a brain of mine that I can empathize with my students. I can say, “I get it, being shy is rough. Speaking loud is hard. I swear to you I get it. But together, we can discover that loud voice in you waiting to be let out.”

It was this mental funk that I went through hell and back as a kid. Shit was real for me as teachers ignored me, children I considered friends shunned me in school but loved me outside of classroom, and I struggled with work. It is because of this wandering head that every day was a fight and a struggle. I had and still have to fight myself. It is an everyday battle of wits to get me to sit in a chair and focus on a single task. Yet, I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Do I wish some things were different? Of course. Do I wish I had found someone to accept me for me before I was almost in my twenties? Do I wish I had a mentor that actively tried to help me with the worst of my symptoms instead of relying on my mother who struggled with her own physical limitations? Do I wish that I can look in a mirror and truthfully say, “yep, you are doing good!”? You bet your bottom dollar I do!

However, I respond to my sad wandering mind with a follow up question. “How can we change it?” 

When I was struggling with the demons my mind had created at a young age, I asked myself this question all the time. And every time, I sent my thoughts forth to discover the truth. Only to return with the voices of those who held me down or hurt me. They only fed the demons dancing on my heart. The pain became so intense for my ten year old self to handle, I held a weapon in my hand to end it all with a bang a few days from Christmas. I was ready to escape to a forever sleep.

Now, whether it was divine intervention or my overactive mind finding a new path, I will never truly know. I chose to think that a couple of my guardian angels band together to shove my lost thoughts onto the path that ultimately saved my life. 

What of the future? You cannot change the past, but you can change someone’s future. Your pain will become someone’s strength.

That random thought. That random channel the inner toddler flicked on the brain TV shocked me into dropping my means to a very different end. Because it had a point. A point that I still live by. My past cannot be changed. Your past cannot be changed. How you view your past can change. How you treat your past can change. And your past that is painful, horrible, and frightful WILL change someone’s future. 

I know that you meet people that will claim to have a magical pill or a perfect solution to everything. In fact, many will tell you that if you do X Y and Z, you will be okay. I’m not going to lie to you. It won’t. 

Their solutions will be for them, my sweets. It will be what works for a general public. Not for everyone. Sure, you can do the basics. Take a shower. Take a walk. Do breathing exercises. All these things are helpful, but it won’t be enough. What you need is that ONE thing for you. Just for you and no one else.

That one thing could be anything. Writing in a journal. Taking a shower. Drawing a picture. Coloring on the wall. Talking to a friend. Making a blog. Doing your nails. Making jokes. Telling jokes. Watching your favorite anime. Playing a video game. Cooking, cleaning, staring at the ceiling. Find one thing.

Do that one thing and allow it to expand. If you like taking a shower, do it! Then experiment with different types of body wash. Smell them. Feel them. Relish them. Don’t try to halt the process. If you want to buy more, then try going to Bath and Body Works and work there. Get the money and relish the thought of having a shower with a new soap. Allow that single thing to grow deep inside your mind. I promise you that it will grow. 

We humans want to grow. We want to expand. We want to nourish things we adore. It is in our genes. It is how we survive. It is how I survived. That one thought reminded me that I loved my younger sister more than I love anything in this world. Her future was and is my world. Seeing her grow became my reason to fight the demons. That one smile I loved to see grew into seeing other little ones like her smile. So I went to my dojo to help with children. That feeling grew into my passion for teaching karate to children, no matter who they were or where they came from. It grew and grew until I had started two different karate programs at two different churches that helped hundreds of children and their families with healthy eating and life choices. That piece of advice I received from a single thought lead me to ensure that my pain could help others. It made me come out of my shell and explore life. From that, my spontaneous part of my mind that loved to flitter from topic to topic developed. 

And I love it. I can look in a mirror and say “You know when you come up with really random ideas. I love it cause it always makes me and my friends laugh to no end.”

It might not be a fool proof solution. If fact, I know it’s not. There are times when it is a struggle to hold back the demons or tell them to kindly f*** off, but all I need is that one thing. That one reminder that matters to me. And I can do it. I can beat it.

Do you know ADHD? Have you experienced it and all the madness that accompanions it? Well, it’s a little bit like this post. It starts with one thought and divides head long into another completely different topic and ends abruptly.

Word Vomit #1

On By hopelessstargazzerIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Have you ever just sat down and vomited whatever came to mind? It’s a cleansing ritual that seems to work for some and not for others, right? But what if it’s doesn’t pan out like you want it too? What if you struggle to get what you’re really feeling across? Then what? What do we do then? Do we hide inside of ourselves until the world explodes and we have nothing more than a trembling mess of nerves and pain? But how is that productive?

Cause it’s pretty!

So I propose this. To my reader and future self, I’m going to try to weave a tale of adult exploration into her own mind. I’ll try not to be an anxiety-riddled teenager because only God knows how much I don’t miss that time in my life. My word vomit will try to have a purpose or a reason. Whether it is to cleanse the pain in my chest or to carefully plot out my methods, I will have a point to all of this. Or will at least try. That’s what counts right!